The first five minutes: How to begin building trust with youth in foster care

The first time a young person comes into your home can feel like a big step. There’s a sense of anticipation and nerves. You may find yourself wondering what to say and how to break the ice. It’s natural to hope this meeting feels positive and helps you start building a relationship.

According to youth engagement specialist Ginger, those first few minutes matter.

“Setting the stage up with safety and respect in mind is what’s going to lead to success,” she explained. The goal is to help the young person feel calm, welcomed, and secure. Start by building a connection that feels safe, authentic, and responsive to their needs.

Lead with safety and authenticity

Youth experiencing foster care carry previous, often traumatic, experiences with them, so leading with safety and authenticity should be prioritized.

Keeping initial conversations light and genuine can help lower the pressure. She emphasizes the importance of authenticity in those first moments.

“Based on their trauma, they’re probably having a lot of self-doubt or guilty feelings,” Ginger said. “Getting as real with them as you can creates that safety and a sense of respect.”

When youth see that you’re not perfect and that you don’t take yourself too seriously, it helps them feel more comfortable around you.

Remember silence or short responses to your questions doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. A young person may avoid eye contact or seem guarded. Instead of pushing for answers, focus on staying calm and open. This sense of safety creates space for connection to grow.

Read the youth and match their energy

One of Ginger’s strongest pieces of advice is simple: pay attention.

“Do your very best to read how they’re presenting themselves to you, and try to match that energy,” she said.

If they’re quiet, soften your tone. If they’re playful, allow room for lightness. Mirroring their energy communicates that you see them and respect their pace. Body language plays a powerful role. Even positioning yourself at their physical level can help you feel more approachable.

“Open body language like not having your arms crossed is helpful. Kids are taking all that in,” Ginger said. “If they’re sitting on the floor, I’m going to sit on the floor with them.”

These subtle cues help create comfort without words.

Build bridges through curiosity

Connection also grows through shared interests.

“My go-to is to find any commonality,” Ginger shared. When you discover an interest—whether it’s music, sports, art, a favorite show—position the youth as the expert. Invite them to teach you about it. That small shift can boost their confidence in an uncertain moment.

Ask engaging, open-ended questions rather than surface-level ones. She suggests questions similar to the following.

• For older children: If you had to delete all the apps on your phone but three, which three would you keep? Or who do you think is the best content creator?
• For young children: If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? Or what would you be more scared of, one 100-foot-tall duck, or 100 one-foot-tall bears?

These types of questions allow the child to expand their responses, giving you a glimpse of their inner world that you wouldn’t see with simple questions that don’t invite real conversation.

And don’t underestimate the power of humor. “Humor is such a strong way to make a connection. It’s just one of the best ways to start building those bridges,” Ginger said.

Redefine what trust looks like

It’s also important to redefine what early trust looks like. It rarely shows up as a big, emotional breakthrough.

More often, it’s subtle. “Some key things are when they start asking you questions, when they reach out to you unprompted, and when they’re able to talk about their feelings,” Ginger said.

Trust grows in inches, not leaps, and it’s built through repeated moments of safety and steadiness. Keep in mind that the first interaction will not be your whole story. It is the first page. And, maybe most importantly, you aren’t the only one who’s nervous.

“As the adult, you’re probably having difficult feelings too,” Ginger said. “But taking a step back and remembering that whatever you’re feeling, this kid is feeling a hundred times more. If things don’t move as quickly as you hope, just give them a little bit of grace.”

Let this grace guide your actions. Show up consistently, be open, and let a young person see your real self. These are the small, intentional steps that turn first meetings into lasting connections.

To learn more about the needs of youth experiencing foster care, join an upcoming information session.